


Fear The Living

by Imaginesfordayss



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Origin Story, apocalypse au, kinda smut, ps i know dwights wife is sherry but her name is honey in this story, the walking dead - Freeform, twd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 17:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8632543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imaginesfordayss/pseuds/Imaginesfordayss
Summary: Pre-apocalypse AU, the origins of Lucille





	

**Author's Note:**

> this was my favorite story to write tbh

The sounds of unsteady breathing and two constant beeps of heart rate monitors pervaded through the room. She slept, he didn’t. Both their bodies seemed to be on at a constant tipping point of collapsing, giving up. She was smaller, more fragile. It’d been maybe 3 weeks since she joined him In the hospital room. Little had been said between the two of them but somehow he knew this was the start of something bigger. She was funny, a positive attitude for someone in her position. He remembered the first time they’d met, right after the nurses wheeled her in. She was pale, but she had this smile on her face, like she’d just won the fucking lottery. And something about that intrigued him.

“Hi, I’m Negan.” He said, giving her his famous grin.

“Lucille. But most people call my Luci.”

He listened in whenever the doctors and nurses came to check up on her. Anorexia’s a hell of a disease. They told her her kidneys were failing and that if they didn’t operate soon she could develop heart disease, but each time she came back she told them she didn’t want to, that she was okay with dying. It made him angry, someone with so much life left to live choosing to die. He was in no position to criticize her however, he was waiting on a heart after all.

There came a Tuesday morning when the hospital seemed to be silent, or at least this floor was. The nurses and doctors were all in the E.R. taking care of some huge car accident involving a bus and a semi. It made her sad, to think that there were people dying right now and she could choose to get better if she wanted too. But it wasn’t that simple. She was frail and tiny and her bones were brittle but when she looked in the mirror all she saw was excess fat — imperfections. She couldn’t help the way she saw herself and that’s what had drove her to needing hospital care, she grew too sick.

Rather than obsessing over things she couldn’t currently deal with, she turned to the man next to her, buried in some kind of medical book. She assumed he was reading up on his operation. They’d spoken once or twice and he seemed nice enough, charming even. He said his name was Negan, he was a used car salesman and he loved his eggs sunny side up. He never failed to mention it each time the nurses brought in their breakfast. Though he was nearly old enough to be her father, she found him attractive. She was 23 after all, she was an adult, who she chose to flirt with was no one else’s business. She figured a man like him wouldn’t go for the dying girl anyway so why not give it a shot right?

“What’re you reading?”

“The risks of a heart transplant procedure.”

“Interesting…”

“You should get the surgery, you know.”

“What?”

“The kidneys. You should get em while you’re still young, or else you’ll end up an old dying fuck, like me and you’ll regret it.”

“You’re not gonna die.”

“Guess we’ll find out when the doctors get back here with my new heart.”

“Hey. I’m sick. I’m sick and I’m gonna die, alright? But you, you’ll make it. I know it.”

“You just gonna give up? Just like that?” She thought to herself for a moment.

“If you make it through the surgery, I’ll get one too.”

“Deal.” He smiled to himself subconsciously. He liked the girls attitude, a cynical one but somehow positive. The next few weeks as roommates would definitely be interesting. And they were. Each day they talked about something new. Whether he was married or had kids, both answers being no. Whether she planned on finished college, to which she said “If by some miracle, I make it, then yeah I guess I’ll get the degree.” There was never a dull moment between them. After an especially brutal therapy session, she’d come back one day, not saying her usual light hearted greeting, he knew they’d given her bad news.

“If I don’t start eating and I don’t get this surgery, my hearts gonna fail too.” He didn’t respond, knowing what it felt to hear something like that from your doctor. She pulled her blanket over her body and turned away from him. Later in the night, he laid awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to think of a way to save the young woman beside him. He pondered on why he cared for her, maybe it was because he saw a bit of himself in her or maybe he thought she deserved a full life, either way he was pulled out of his thoughts by loud gasps for air beside him.

“Luci? Lucille? You okay?” He received no response. A moment later, she began shaking uncontrollably, her heart rate monitor switched between slow steady beats to erratic beats and then a flat line. Her limbs stopped flailing altogether.

He jumped from his bed, nearly falling over from the stress it put on his already tired body. Making it over to her as fast as he could, he pressed the emergency button near her bed. A silent alarm rang through the hospital, paging any nurse or doctor on their floor. Soon the room was flooded with bodies in scrubs and various machines.

“What happened?” A nurse uttered to him worriedly.

“She–her heart stopped. Please help her.” His voice even sounded desperate to his own ears.

“Sir, you need to return to your bed.”

“Will you help her?” This time he sounded calmer than he felt.

“We’ll do the best we can.” He reluctantly returned to his own side of the room, sitting on the side of the bed that was turned away from her. He didn’t want to watch as they put the defibrillator on her body, as they forcefully pushed air into her lungs, breaking a rib or two. He knew the odds of resuscitating someone. There was a slim chance that she’d make it but at the very second he was just thankful she hadn’t signed a D.N.R.

After a few very tense moments of yelling and scurrying around from the nurses, he heard a very quiet beep, and then another and another until the sound became a steady melody to his ears. She’d pulled through. She slept for a few days after that, getting up and mumbling a few times and then passing out again. He knew she didn’t have time. When she was finally coherent on the third day, she didn’t say much, only occasionally glanced at him.

“Do I have something on my face?” He smirked, speaking up after catching her staring at him again.

“No, no, just. You saved my life.”

“s'no problem.”

“Thank you.” He only smiled in response. And then a thought occurred to him, “Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it?”

“How come you don’t have any visitors? Don’t you have parents or something?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Negan.”

“There’s no one I’d want visiting me.”

“Fine, my parents and I had a falling out a few years back when I told them I was moving away, haven’t talked to them since I moved to Virginia.”

“No boyfriend, or uh girlfriend?”

“No..no boyfriend.”

“Oh, good. Well not good, but you get the point.” She giggled at his strain to find the right words. It was a nice sound to his ears, a sound that made him feel warmer inside, like maybe if his heart wasn’t so fucked up it could beat for her.

That night, the doctors told her that she could bite it at any second if she didn’t get the surgery. She was in luck too, a hospital in Atlanta had just received kidneys from a donor and she was next on the list.

“We’ll give you a moment to make up your mind.” The men in the crisp white coats left the room. She was staring at him now, curiously etched on her face.

“What’s that look for?”

“Are you gonna give me your opinion or what?”

“If a doctor came in here and told me he could save my life right at this moment, I’d be a dumbass not to accept.”

“I guess…you’re right.”

“I’m always right darlin’ now go get your damn kidneys or I’ll kill you myself.”

“Negan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. I hope you get the heart.”

“Me too Luci. Me too.” She knew this was meant as a goodbye, seeing as she’d be transferred to a different hospital for the kidney operation, but she didn’t mind. She promised him she’d come back to make sure he’d made it out of surgery without complications. He didn’t understand her kindness, why she’d be so nice to a man facing almost certain death, whose language was oftentimes as vulgar as one person can be, but he appreciated it. After she’d gone, he missed her company, her chirpy voice, their night long board game competitions. It was silly but she was the first person he’d felt anything for in a hell of a long time. He wondered if she was serious when she said she’d come back or if she’d made it through surgery at all.

A few weeks came and went, the doctors finally got their hands on a heart that was a match for him. He was ecstatic but as they took him down to the O.R. he thought back to her promise.

“Doc, do you know if Luci is back?”

“No, sorry sir, we’re gonna have to put you under now.”

“Don’t kill me okay?”

“You have nothing to worry about.” When he woke again, the setting was different. He was still clearly in the hospital but they had moved him to a new room. “Nurse? Where am I?”

“Negan! You’re awake! The surgeon will be glad to hear that, you’re in the recovery wing, I was just checking your vitals. The surgery went well, no complications that we can see so far. You’ll be able to go home within the next few weeks.” It was great news, it was, but somehow he didn’t feel as elated as he knew he should. The thought of a certain blonde haired smiling beauty preoccupied his mind. The thought of her helped him recover in those weeks.

___________________

She was thankful. Thankful that she had agreed to the surgery when she did. It had gone well, only minor complications that she could deal with but as soon as she was discharged, everyone around her seemed to get sick. They said it was some kind of virus. There were rumors going around of what it could do, but she chose to ignore them, she wouldn’t believe it until she saw it with her own eyes. After all, people didn’t just come back from the dead, that was a ridiculous thought in itself.

After she was cleared from the hospital, she remembered the promise she’d made to Negan weeks ago. Unfortunately, all flights were grounded for the time being, she guessed because of the virus, so instead she hopped on the first train from Atlanta to Richmond.

One moment she was sat in her personal cabin listening to old rock music and the next, she heard blood curdling screams near her door. She wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was there a threat? Was someone trying to hijack the train? She knew the only way to find out what to open that door but the growing roar of shouts and cries kept her from doing so.

She lifted a shaking hand, letting it rest on the handle of the train car door but didn’t make a move to open it any further and than inch. What she saw around her was mayhem. Blood spewed over the walls and seats, people seemingly attacking other people. A man wobbled over to a crying child taking a bite out of the poor girl’s forearm. The young girl emitted a scream so high in pitch that Luci had to hold her hands to her ears. She slammed the door shut again, attempting to breathe as calmly as possible and failing miserably. The virus.

The virus, whatever it was, was turning people into flesh hungry monsters and here she was, stuck in a goddamn train car surrounded by them. The train stopped abruptly. Out of her window, she saw several people run off, including several workers. No one was coming to save her. She gathered up her things, deciding it’d be best to take the essentials, some clothes, her phone, her wallet, snacks she’d gotten from the kitchen area earlier. She slid the door open just barely enough to peek out but not enough to make a creaking sound incase one of those things was nearby. The coast seemed to be clear so as quietly as she could manage, she stepped out into the hallway and looked for the nearest door of the train. It was about twenty feet to the right of her but going that way meant stepping over the young girl’s corpse from earlier. She gagged at the sight of the mangled body but proceeded that way anyway. It was only when she got closer that she realized the girl seemed to have started breathing again, and then blinking and then sitting up.

Only she was different somehow, her eyes weren’t the same as before, there were red lines around her blue irises and her breathing sounded a lot harsher than any one nine years olds breathing should, it’s not like she’d been smoking 5 packs a day. The small pale child managed to sit in an upright position, reaching out towards Luci. So Luci did what any responsible adult would do and grabbed the young girl’s hand.

“Move away from it!” A voice shouted behind her. She jumped, startled by the unexpected sound. Behind her stood a rugged man, he was fairly average in size and he looked nice enough. When Luci made no indication of moving, the man ambled towards her, ripping her hand away from the girl.

“What the hell was that? This girl needs help.” Before Luci could protest anymore, the man took a knife from his waist belt jabbing it into the young girl’s eye socket. Luci sat stunned as blood sprayed onto her blouse. She didn’t move for a solid minute, gaping as blood seeped onto the carpet towards her. Luci felt a pain in her stomach and turned to the side quickly, hurling over the man’s shoes.

“Guess you’re not too bright blondie, touching one of those things. Could have gotten yourself killed.”

“Killed? KILLED? What the fuck are you talking about? You murdered that little girl.”

“That thing, wasn’t a little girl. I just saved your goddamn life, you should be a little more appreciative, and if you don’t mind, I’m getting off the train now before I run into another one of those undead pricks.”

“Are you psycho? Are you fucking insane? What the hell are you talking about?”

“I guess you aren’t caught up on the news. The world’s ending blondie.”

“My name is Luci.”

“Okay, Luci, let me explain it to you. There is a virus, if you get it you die, and then you come back and you eat people. Simple enough for you?” She didn’t respond. She sat there, looking down at her hands in pure shock. It dawned on her that what he was saying had to be true, she’d seen the man using that little girl as a goddamn snack. For whatever reason, she didn’t worry for her family or friends back home, no, she worried about Negan who could very likely be in danger at the current moment, or even dead. The thought sent a wave of pain through her chest.

_________________

When the world ends, it ends quickly. After the initial outbreak, the military tried to handle the infected, the result being massive shootings at hospitals to put down anyone that may or may not be sick. The government fell quickly, disintegrating in all the chaos. After that, the electricity shut off, people went mad, not from the virus but from the fall, the fall of man, of society, of everything.

It wasn’t hard for Luci to accept this new world. She hadn’t had much to lose in the first place, and she was always good at being on her own, at surviving. She’d made it to Richmond, but by then the city was on fire. She spent months searching for any small trace of Negan to no avail. He was either dead, turned, or just, gone. She didn’t have time to hope anymore, and though the thought of him was constantly in the back of her mind, this world, the new world, was about survival. She had been close to death nearly all her life, the risks were just slightly more elevated now.

The dead far outnumbered the living, the people she came in contact with were often not friendly. People looked at her only as a threat, they saw her and wondered only what they could take from her. She stayed on the move, never resting for too long, enough to catch her breath, gather supplies and then she was gone again.

Tonight she was staying in an abandoned home, the pictures on the walls showed a family. Two kids, both boys, they looked young. She wondered where they were, if they had made it, if they’re family was together somewhere. She walked up the stairs slowly, listening for any sudden movements upstairs, thankfully there were none. She cleared the first two rooms and made it to the master bedroom. From behind the door, she could smell it. The stench of rotting corpses. Luci decided it’d be best the keep the door closed, fearing what she’d find behind the door.

Instead she took up residence in one of the boys rooms. It was like any regular child’s room, filled with books and toys. His sheets had race cars in them. She sat on the bed, resting her head against the wall.

She took a few deep breaths before the tears surfaced. The sudden rush of emotion caught her by surprise, she was normally so good at controlling it, at numbing her pain. But at this moment as she looked around the deserted room, she let the despair and the terror creep up on her. She let the sobs rack through her body. She was alone, more alone than ever.

Everyone she ever knew was dead, and if they weren’t dead, they would be eventually. She could end it, end her pain right there and then and the nightmare would be over. She wouldn’t have to sleep with one eye open, she’d no longer have to fight to stay alive.

____________________

She chose not too. She hadn’t quit when her body started shutting down on her and she wasn’t going to quit now. She had survived far too much to end her life now.

The next morning was like any other, run, hide, find food, stay alive. She stayed off the roads, there were more dead ones near the highways. Instead she surrounded herself with wilderness, with green trees and the sun beating down on her, it made her feel almost normal. Like maybe the world wasn’t ending, out here, she could pretend she was on a camping trip. She did stay vigilant, however, listening for the rustling of bushes or the snap of a branch. It had been quiet for the most part so she decided to set up camp. It was stupid of her, completely idiotic really, to nod off in the middle of the forest.

__________________

She was brought back to consciousness by the sound of men’s voices. The moment she awoke, she knew she was in trouble, in some seriously deep shit. She peeked out of one eye, surveying the sight in front of her.

There were two men, one was scrawny, with a mesh of blonde hair sitting wildly on his head, the other man was older, he was rocking a pornstache and clearly upset at whatever the topic of the conversation was.

“Well we can’t just leave her out here Dwight.”

“Yes we can, she ain’t our responsibility.”

“Well we can bring her back to camp and then decide what to do with her.”

“Oh, I know what i’d like to do with her.” The blonde man said suggestively, it took everything within Luci not to shudder at the thought of what he had in mind. She heard them making their way over to her, cautious footsteps, as if they were intimidated by a tiny thing like her. One of them picked her up, the man with the mustache. They walked for a while eventually reaching a vehicle of some sort and she was placed in the back, her backpack thrown carelessly atop her.

“Damn it Dwight, don’t wake her up.” The car ride was fairly short, Luci continued to feign unconsciousness for her own sake, she thought it’d be best to not interact with them for the time being. Not much was said between the two men as they carried her into an unknown facility. She heard other voices nearby, none of them she could make out. She heard the sound of a door handle turning and then she was carried into a darker room and placed on a lumpy mattress. Two pairs of footsteps receded back into the hallway and the door clicked shut again.

She snapped her eyes open immediately, taking in her surroundings. The room was fairly empty, there was an old couch, the mattress she currently resided on and a lamp on the floor in the corner, but she assumed it didn’t work, though she tried anyway, to no avail. The place seemed safe enough, from the dead ones anyway, she wasn’t too sure about the people.

Her sleepiness hadn’t faded so seeing as the place was secure, she nodded off back to sleep. It was the first time in months that she got some rest, real rest. That night she didn’t worry about her safety or if she’d find food in the morning.

She woke to the sound of men, yet again, talking about her. There were new voices this time, but she recognized mustache man and the other one, Dwight.

“So, what do we do with her?”

“Should we tell him we found someone?”

“Maybe we should ask what the girl wants instead of talking about her like she doesn’t have ears.” She replied back harshly. They all kept quiet after that. The one she knew to be Dwight replied first.

“What’s your name?”

“Lucille. Can I leave now?”

“You gotta take that up with the boss.”

“Then bring him in here.”

“He’s busy.”

“Okay, well i’ll just be on my way then.”

“You can’t.”

“Yes I fucking can, and I will. I’ll kill every one of you fucks if I have too.” The men all looked between each other.

“Boy, does she have a mouth on her, pretty girl like that, shouldn’t be so vulgar.”

“Listen, this pretty girl will shove her knife straight up your ass if you don’t let me leave.”

“Okay okay, jeez, go get him Dwight.” Dwight sighed, leaving the room to get whoever their ‘boss’ was. There were several minutes of awkward silence between Luci and the men and then she heard commotion and yelling down the hall. “Good job, you’ve pissed him off.” Pornstache said to her. A pair of what sounded like heavy boots made their way down the hall and towards the room. Luci held her breath, for the first time since she’d gotten there, she felt real fear, shivers shot down her spine. She looked down when he entered, not ready to look at whoever she’d apparently pissed off. But the words that left his mouth when he spoke made her heart nearly leap out of her chest.

“Lucille?”

_________________

A sense of familiarity flooded through her, she knew this voice. She’d heard it a thousand times, yelling at her during a game of monopoly, asking her pointless questions about her life. For god’s sake, she had dreamed of hearing this voice again. When she looked up, she was in disbelief. Negan towered over her in all his glory. He wasn’t clean shaven anymore, instead he seemed to be growing a nice greyish brown beard, it fit him. He wore a stained denim shirt with matching pants and long brown leather combat boots. He looked good, he looked damn good.

“Am I dead?” He chuckled at her.

“You are very much alive and a damn welcome sight to see.” He replied.

“You got the heart.”

“I got the heart.” He repeated back to her. The grin he wore seemed permanently etched on his face. The other men in the room looked perplexed at the sight in front of them, none of them had seen Negan act this way. He was a cold leader, a good one, but he never showed emotion around them. Negan seemed to notice all their confusion, “Boys, you can leave us.”

“Didn’t peg you for the leader type.”

“We’re all full of surprises. I mean, shit, Luci, it’s good to see you. Really.” She got serious then.

“I looked for you, I was coming back, to see you for the surgery when it all happened. And then I got there and you know, everything was just gone. I thought you died, but I uh, I kept on looking you know? I didn’t give up hope. Figured if you didn’t let heart failure take you, the end of the world wouldn’t either.”

“Here I am, alive and well. You been alone this whole time?”

“People aren’t so nice these days.” He laughed out loud at that and it made her cheeks redden just a little, she hoped he didn’t notice. That sound had been the highlight of her days at the hospital, she was so sure she’d never get to hear it again. It was surreal having Negan here in front of her. He looked like he always had, minus all the tubes and needles that used to stick out of his body and yet he looked like a brand new man. Healthy, stronger. If she had been attracted to him before on his deathbed, than boy was she smitten with him now.

She’d never say those words out loud though, that meant making it real and she wasn’t sure she could bare to have feelings for someone who could die at any given moment. Negan, however, was fully ready to accept whatever strange feelings he had for her. She was a beautiful young woman and she had managed to stay alive this whole time all by herself. He was amazed by her and her will to survive, even before the apocalypse.

“If you’d like to stay, I can help you get settled into a room..”

“Didn’t get enough of me at the hospital, huh? You’re just doing this so I can kick your ass in scrabble again.”

“You’re not that good at scrabble.” He said it in a serious tone but the shit eating grin on his face told her that he was joking with her. She had missed this side of him too, always messing around, no matter the circumstances.

“Okay, says the guy who can only come up with like three letter words.” He shook his head at her, both of them lost in a fit of laughter. Negan’s men stood on the other side of the door listening in. Who the hell was this girl? And how was she able to bring out this side of Negan so easily? “Anyway, if you wouldn’t mind it, I would like to stay…looks like you have a good thing going here. How many of you are there?”

“A dozen or so, we found this place a little while back, cleared all the dead motherfuckers out and made it our own. I suppose, like old times, you could room with me for the time being, if you don’t mind.”

__________________

She didn’t mind, she didn’t mind it one bit. Negan was easy to live with, for the most part. She got to know most of the people at the facility, staying away from the men that looked particularly predatory. Most of them were nice, they were decent people. Dwight’s girlfriend Honey was especially nice to Luci, giving her a tour around the place, showing her all the exits in case of an emergency.

“So how do you know Negan..he seems pretty fond of you.”

“We were uh, in the hospital together, he convinced me to keep living. I…I owe him my life. Everyone else seems to be scared of him for some reason.”

“He can be…cold. He beat a man once..for stealing food. We’ve learned not to cross him. That’s why everyone here was so surprised when you showed up. Did you two ever, you know, hook up?”

“Oh god no. I mean, not that I wouldn’t want to or anything, he’s very, he’s, well, he’s not hard to look at, but he’s so much older. It would be weird. Wouldn’t it?”

“Love is love, Luci. Besides, the world ended, no one is gonna judge you for who you decide to sleep with.”

“Th–thanks, Honey.”

“Let me know if you need anything else sweetie!” Luci processed her words for a long time after that, so long in fact that she hadn’t realized Negan had come back into their shared room. She only noticed him when he plopped down onto the bed next to hers, running his hands through his hair.

“Stressful day?”

“Two of my guys died on a supply run today.” She nodded, apologies didn’t mean much anymore. He continued running his hands through his hair, it gave her a moment to admire him, really admire him. Though she could only see him through the candle light in the dimly lit room, she could still make out his features. The circles under his eyes were darker, from stress she assumed. His mouth was slightly puckered, she pondered on the fact that she could reach over right at this moment and place her mouth on his own. She imagined that he’d taste like honey and aged bourbon, it was a mouth-watering thought. She wanted to run her hands down his leather jacket and into his thin black henley underneath. She got lost in the thought of what she wanted to do to him. It seemed to be happening quite often to her these days, even he had taken notice of the dazed looks she sometimes wore around him. She couldn’t help herself, she’d never seen him in leather before, she was always a fan of the bad boy look and Negan wore it almost too well.

“Are you still there or are you in Lucille land?”

“Right, sorry, zoned out.”

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

“There’s not much else to do around here.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right…can I ask ya somethin?”

“You’re gonna do it whether I say yes or no.”

“You know me too well…I’m assuming you got the surgery.” He looked over to her for a nod of agreement before continuing, “Have you been eating?” It wasn’t a question she was expecting.

“Yeah, yeah I am. I mean I didn’t get new kidneys just to let them fail again…if anything kills me now, it’s not going to be a little bit of malnourishment.” He chuckled at her.

“I’m gonna get some rest.”

“Goodnight Negan.”

_________________

He hadn’t meant to be gone so long. He really hadn’t. In fact, he had hoped he’d be home by dinner, at least to see her. But with two men down, he had to go out on a supply run with Dwight and with their luck, they’d ran into some trouble. It wasn’t anything they couldn’t handle but killing dead ones was time consuming.

Lucille wasn’t one to worry, but the longer he was out on his run, the more she stressed herself out, coming up with brutal scenarios of what could’ve happened to him out there. The more she thought, the harder it became to stay there and do nothing about it. No one else seemed to be worried, they were all off doing their own things. Only she stood by the door, pacing back and forth as the hours ticked by. Eventually, she grew tired and returned back to her and Negan’s shared room without stopping to grab a plate for dinner. Her mind was elsewhere, as it typically was. And as usual, she didn’t hear when someone entered the room behind her.

Without warning, she was pushed against the wall roughly, her left shoulder scraping against the concrete. She hissed out in pain, looking up to see her attacker. It was a man she’d seen before in passing but never talked too. He was much taller than her, and by the looks of it, much stronger too.

“What the hell are y–” he didn’t let her finish, instead replacing her words with his chapped mouth. She attempted to scream, again being blocked by his mouth, him forcing his tongue into her mouth to keep her from making a sound.

She began to panic. The only person allowed in this room besides her was Negan and he could be anywhere right now. The man in front of her roughly pulled down her shirt, grabbing a handful of her breast and squeezing for his own enjoyment, she could feel his erection against her abdomen as she tried to squirm out of his reach. This seemed to only excite him more. He took her struggling arms and raised them above her head against the wall.

His hands grabbed the zipper of her jeans pulling it down harshly, nearly ripping it from the seam. She again, attempted to call for help only to be greeted with a painful slap to the face that left the inside of her mouth tasting metallic and her cheeks stained with tears. She was in a full blown terror frenzy. There was no way she would get out of this and the thought of being violated in such a way made her body shake with sobs. The man pushed her jeans down to her knees. Grabbing a knife from his back pocket he trailed it down her body, slicing once at the bottom of her blouse near her hips. She felt the sting immediately and then the warm trickle of blood down her legs. She squeezed her eyes shut wanting so desperately to disappear from this moment.

The next few seconds were a blur. First she is crying and the man is getting closer to her, she can feel his uncomfortably warm breath on her face, he smells like alcohol and cigarettes and then the door opens and the room seems to freeze. Even the air is tense. In the next second, the man’s weight is lifted off her body and she slides to the floor away from him. And then she hears the man yelling in pain and the sound of bones cracking, the distinct noise of someone drowning in their own blood. When she finally looks up, Negan is there, on the man and he’s hitting him, hitting him so hard that his own knuckles are bleeding and then eventually the man stops squirming around and Negan pulls the man’s knife out of his hand. The same one he used on Lucille moments before and he plunges the knife into the man’s head.

She’s relieved, relieved and terrified and frozen in her spot. There are people at the door watching the scene in horror, she knows her expression mirrors theirs. Negan has saved her and she is grateful but she is also unsure of him, she’s just watched him beat a man to death and she’s afraid of what he can do, so she doesn’t move, not an inch. Not when he gets up and orders the body to be dragged out, not when he kneels next to her to check her injuries. She only moves when he reaches towards her, she flinches away when he places his bloodied hand on her cheek. And then he realizes that she fears him, as much as the man who tried to violate her.

He didn’t want this, he didn’t want her to see him as this monster but now she has and it breaks his fucking heart to see her like this. So he doesn’t touch her again, he grabs a blanket for her off of his bed and places it around her shoulders, careful not to brush his fingers on her exposed skin. And then he sends Honey in the room, to patch her up and make sure she’s okay. He doesn’t say a word to anyone as he passes them, the others stay away from him anyway.

When he returns later, she’s not in the room, he panics for a moment. He nearly sprints down the hall just as Honey is coming out of her room. She spots Negan and gives him a small but sad smile, she’s not sure if she should comfort him. She can see it in his eyes, Negan is worried about Luci.

“She wanted to stay with me tonight, if that’s okay.”

All he says is “Yeah.” And then he turns and walks back to his own room. He knows he won’t sleep well tonight.

_____________________

She doesn’t come back the next night, or the night after that, and he doesn’t blame her. He can’t imagine how scared she must of been, first from that vile motherfucker and then again when he beat the man to death. Negan sits at the edge of his bed, head in his hands, trying to figure out if he could make this right with her. At least, show her that he wasn’t some monster. But the truth was, he enjoyed killing that man, he enjoyed every moment of it. He looks down at his now bandaged hands and thinks back to the whole situation. He remembers hearing the man’s cheekbone break, and then jaw, until he became a puddle of blood and brain matter. Negan wasn’t proud of it, but he enjoyed it.

He hurt Lucille, and no one, absolutely no one would hurt his Lucille…not even Negan himself. He wasn’t sure when he started referring to her as his but at this point, he had accepted it. This woman had come into his life and drove him to become a love sick puppy. Oh god, he thought. But it was true, the woman could ask him to jump off a bridge and he’d do it without hesitation. He wished he knew how to get her to come back to him, or even talk to him, let him explain, let him show her the guy she met all those months ago and how he was still that guy.

The first time he sees her again is at breakfast a couple of days later. She looks better but the only people she talks to is Honey or Dwight. She’s vaguely aware that most of the men are too afraid of Negan to speak to her.

Everyone’s walking on eggshells around the two of them. Lucille hates it, she hates staying away from Negan but she needs time to process, to figure out if this side of him is something she can deal with. Sure, she’s had to kill people in the past but she had never savagely beaten a man to death with her bare hands, never crushed another human’s skull out of sheer anger. It frightened her more than she could possibly explain.

Would he hurt her? If she ever did something wrong, would she end up like that man? It was a thought that ran through her head since the whole thing happened. When she sees him across from her at the breakfast table in the morning, she can tell he hasn’t been sleeping. His hair’s a mess, the bags under his eyes are nearly purple, and his clothes are still drenched in the other man’s blood. She wants to go to him, embrace him, tell him everything is alright between them but she doesn’t think she’s strong enough for that yet. So instead, they steal glances at each other when the other isn’t looking. Everyone else watches them doing it, slightly amused. The only people who don’t know that the two of them are obsessed with each other were Negan and Lucille.

The two of them went on like this for quite a few days. Luci and Honey would get back to Honey’s room and immediately Luci would rant about whether or not Honey thought Negan was mad at Luci. Eventually, both Dwight and Honey got tired of hearing this conversation.

“Why’re we going to the pantry again?”

“Dwight said you need to reorganize it since you don’t have a job around here.”

“Okey doke, I guess.” Dwight on the other hand, was telling Negan about a leak he may have seen coming from the ceiling of the pantry. Luci got there first, Negan arriving shortly afterward.

“Honey, is that you? Can you bring me a chair, I can’t reach the top shelf.” Instead of Honey’s sweet voice, she heard a deep raspy one.

“It’s me.” Luci straightened up immediately, dropping the two cans she was holding and turned to face Negan. He was both scared and hopeful, this was the first time they’d been alone since she ‘moved’ in with Honey.

She wasn’t sure if she could speak to him without stuttering but she decided it was worth a try, “Hi, Negan.”

“You look…good…better I mean.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“That’s good.”

“Mhmm.” An awkward silence formed between them.

“Listen Luci. I’m sorry. That you had to see that, see me like that. I’m…not like that, I just, I saw him and he hurt you and he was going to hurt you and I lost it. I’m sorry.” She let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

“Negan.” She sighed. “Seeing you like that..was terrifying. I guess I just didn’t know that there was a dark side of you. I’m used to the charming guy who’s always cracking jokes and then here you are beating a man to death and I just..don’t know if I’ll ever look at you the same. But, I forgive you, okay? And I’ll move back in.”

“So you think i’m charming?” He said cracking a smile.

“That would be the only thing you heard from that whole heart felt speech.”

“No, no I heard you, you didn’t answer me though.”

“Yeah, Negan, so charming, you make me weak at the knees.” She replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes at him, though her answer was partially true. He walked towards her slowly, unsure of what their boundaries were now. He tested the waters, grabbing a piece of hair that had fallen and placing it back behind her ear. He noticed the way he cheeks brightened with color when he did this. When she didn’t make a move or stop him, he placed a hand on either side of her cheeks and gently leaned in until his mouth barely brushed against her forehead. It wasn’t what he wanted but, it was enough to be this close to her. Besides, he still didn’t know if she had any sort of romantic feelings for him and he wasn’t ready to find out just yet. He had all the time in the world to find out.

______________

The tension between everyone seemed to ease up after that, Negan was in a good mood which meant everyone else was in a good mood too. A few new people showed up at their camp, two women and a man, so the spotlight was finally off Negan and Lucille and the gossip had moved onto the new group of people.

They liked it that way, both of them were trying to figure the other out, they didn’t need everyone talking about it. After the pantry, Negan touched her more easily, sometimes placing his hand on her back when he passed her, carrying her on his back after a long day, and even kissing her forehead when he thought she was sleeping. The affection became commonplace for the both of them, they both secretly wanted more but neither made the first move in fear of rejection.

Negan was generally, a fairly confident man, he knew he was good looking, that wasn’t the problem here. He wasn’t sure if she liked him for him. They’d been friends a long time and he was never sure what she saw him as. A brother? A best friend? Or god forbid, a father figure? So the thought of making a move on her made him feel uneasy. Whereas she looked at Negan and constantly asked herself how a man like him would ever fall for an ordinary girl like her. As much motivation as Honey provided, it wasn’t enough for her to sacrifice her friendship over. For a while, they played their cat and mouse game.

Luci figured that if Negan got bored, he’d hook up with one of the women at the compound. Any of the women here would throw themselves at him if given the chance, she was keenly aware of that. But every chance he was given to hook up with someone, he ignored.

_______________

Winter had come and gone, new people came others died, it was a constant cycle. Both Luci and Negan began to get restless about the situation between them. There was a tension, whenever they happened to end up alone together and Luci wasn’t sure how long she could ignore her own feelings before she’d do something idiotic or embarrassing. And it’s not like Negan was avoidable either, he seemed to show up wherever she went. Though he never showed his softer side in front of the others.

Today was a good day, Dwight and a few of the others had found an old warehouse filled with canned goods, which meant the group was thankfully, no longer in danger of starving to death. Everyone knew they could rest easy, at least for the next couple of weeks. Negan was particularly happy about the discovery, Luci noticed the way he laughed louder at dinner that night, even going as far as sitting next to her which he very rarely did. It made her hopeful, and she carried that hope all the way back to their room that night. She watched him enter the room, singing a little tune to himself, off in his own world.

“I’ve never seen you this excited.”

“Been a good day, a good fucking day.” He continued humming the tune from before, walking over to her and holding his hand out to her. She gave him a questioning look. “Dance with me.”

“Oh god, no, I don’t know how to dance.”

“That’s what you have me for.” She shook her head, laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. “Come on, one dance, I won’t drop ya.” She gave in, not being able to resist an opportunity to be in his arms. He pulled her up easily, sliding an arm around her waist and pulling her against him, close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off his body. He spun the both of them around effortlessly, every move he made was confident and steady, not unlike anything he typically did.

Every now and again, he’d dip her catching her by surprise and each time her breath would leave her lungs in a gasp, he subconsciously admitted to himself how much he loved hearing that sound from her. She wasn’t sure how long they continued this for but she didn’t mind it either. He attempted to meet her gaze a couple of times but each time she looked down and away, smiling at something across the room. It was aggravating. He enjoyed this closeness, letting his hand linger on her lower back, letting his other one rub the soft skin on her fingers.

Sensing her growing boredom in the repetitive movements, Negan turned her abruptly, so that her back was leaning against the front of his body. It was a slightly compromising position but she made no indication of being uncomfortable. Hell, he’d gotten this far he thought, why not take a risk. They were still swaying to the beat of Negan’s quiet humming.

He leaned down resting his face on her shoulder, turning his face to the side so it fit in the crook of her neck. She smelled sweet. He inched closer until his lips barely brushed against her neck, sending a shiver down her spine. He could feel her pulse quicken, by now his arms rested loosely on her abdomen and hers atop his.

He kisses her neck, harder now, and then again but higher, working his way up her jaw line. She relaxes into his body, enjoying the euphoric sensation each time he presses his mouth back onto her. She’s not even thinking about what is happening and how long she’s wanted it to happen. Eventually, he reaches the bottom of her chin, not being able to maneuver any further up with her facing away from him.This time it’s her that moves, turning around and gravitating back towards him, for a moment they’re both still, watching the other unsure of what to do next.

And then they’re on each other, his mouth finally meets hers in a heated kiss and they don’t pull away until they’re both gasping for air but she can’t get enough of him. She kisses wherever she can find skin, pulling down his leather jacket in the process at the same time he’s slipping his rough hands under her shirt.

It’s messy but it’s passionate, they both shamelessly grope each other, pulling the other as close as physically possible and yet that doesn’t seem to be close enough. He’s backing her up now, she feels the back of her knees hit the bed and she lets herself fall, taking him with her. She untangles her fingers from his hair only to undo his belt and then hers. His mouth finds hers again and she’s no longer able to form coherent thoughts, there’s a warmth deep in her and she can’t remember the last time she’s felt this way, all she knows is that she wants him and he wants her and that’s enough to get them through the rest of the night.

___________________

She wakes up first, tangled in a mess of sheets and body parts, her head is resting on his left collarbone and his arms are wrapped tightly around her naked frame. She smiles to herself, she’s content here in his arms. She doesn’t think of the hell that’s raging on outside, she doesn’t wonder where she’ll be in a month, she just lays there watching his slow inhales and exhales.

She knows she’ll have to get up eventually so she savors the moments she has in this warm bed with him. She moves to lean on her arm so she can get a better look at him in the morning light, the movement rouses him from his slumber. He yawns, stretching underneath her. When he finally opens his eyes, he looks up at her. It’s a look she’s never seen on him before. His brown doe eyes admire the sight in front of him like he’s watching the sun rise for the very first time. There’s a hunger in his eyes but it’s not a lustful one.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Better than I have in a long time.”

“That was quite some dance, huh?”

“I told you I was a good dancer.” She giggles at him, hitting him lightly on the chest.

“We need to get out of bed, work to do and all…” Negan nods searching around for both their undergarments.

Luci isn’t sure what this means for the two of them or if it’ll ever happen again but she hopes so. At least she finally knows her feelings aren’t one sided. She spends the whole day lost in thought of the night before. There’s a light aura around the compound this morning, everyone can sense the change of dynamic between the two of them. Negan passes her throughout the day, pressing light kisses to her forehead whenever he comes back around.

The weeks pass like this, wake up, work, make love, go to bed. They don’t discuss whatever is going on between the two of them and they don’t have too. It’s obvious enough. She knows she loves him, she knew the moment she went searching for him after the world ended. She’s just accepted it now. The threat of losing him is still very much there but she leaves the negative thoughts in the back of her mind.

__________________

Today is supply run day and surprisingly Negan is letting Lucille come with him. She figured he’d make her stay holed up in the compound forever but today, he’s decides to ask her to tag along.

“Freedom!” The smell of fresh air is cleansing to her lungs, she forgot how much she’d missed being out here.

“You’re not a prisoner.”

“Then how come you never let me go on supply runs with the guys?”

“Because 1. I don’t trust those idiots to keep you safe and 2. I don’t trust you to not do something stupid.”

“I like how much you believe in my ability to stay alive.”

“Yeah, yeah come on smartass we have things to do.” The drive was long and Negan didn’t say much, leaving her to her own antics. She settled on playing whatever CD’s she could find in the glove compartment, the first being Billy Joel’s greatest hits. After the first three songs, Negan throws the CD out the window much to her displeasure.

“Hey, don’t hate on the classics.”

“I won’t listen to that shit for another hour.”

“Fine.” The next album isn’t labeled, it’s a mixtape, 80’s jams. Negan isn’t pleased with that one either. Finally, she finds Blue Oyster Cult’s Agents of Fortune album. When she looks over to Negan, he’s tapping his fingers to the beat of the drums, even singing along to some of the songs. She didn’t peg him for the rock type, she always thought he had more of a jazz vibe but here he was, jamming out. It was a welcome sight after all the stress he’d been under lately.

The two of them finally arrived at Negan’s selected destination, it seemed deserted but the two of them knew better. He handed her a pistol and a few rounds that she stuffed in her back pocket and then the two of them left the truck.

“You go around back, I’ll check the front rooms.”

“Got it.” They went their separate ways. As she walked by herself, she realized how out of practice she was in this whole thing. Sure she had spent months alone in the wilderness but she had also spent months inside the safe confines of Negan’s compound. She rounded the corner of the house only to be stopped short by the sight in front of her. Dead ones, more than she could count, her shock kept her from moving and the terror that set in her bones moments later caused her to drop her gun rather loudly to the floor. The ones closest to her turned, spotting her immediately. She bent down, grabbing the gun and shoving it into her pocket.

Finally she regained control of her limbs and took off running in the opposite direction. She sprinted back towards the front of the house, calling out to Negan. When his panicked face appeared at the door, she screamed for him to run back towards the car. She stopped moving for a moment, for maybe half a second.

And when she turned her head to check the danger behind her, one of the undead took the opportunity and sunk their teeth into her neck. Blood sputtered onto her clothes and the wall behind her. The pain was blinding, but all she thought was, she needed to get back to Negan.

She pushed herself away from the dead one, allowing it to rip more of her flesh off her neck which admittedly, was not a good idea. The red ooze gushed down her back at an alarming rate but the adrenaline in her system allowed her to make it back to the truck. Negan drove as fast as he could away from the area. When he turned to check on her, there was an overwhelming fear in his eyes, she couldn’t find the words to say that would comfort him in this moment.

“God dammit, god fucking dammit, shit. Shitshitshitshit. Fuck!” Profanities fell from his mouth. He reached behind him, grabbing a spare t-shirt from the back seat and balling it up. “Put pressure on your neck.” His voice shook as he instructed her.

“Negan.”

“I’m driving as fast as I can but I don’t know when we’ll get there.”

“Negan.”

“We can bandage it up. God dammit, why did I let you leave that goddamn place.

“Negan!” He finally turned to look at her, tears forming in his eyes, destroying the calm facade he was putting up for her. He was scared shitless of losing her. And he was blaming himself, for letting her take a step outside, for putting her in harm’s way. “Negan, please pull over.”

“Luci, you don’t have time.”

“I know. Pull over.” He understood what she meant. She wasn’t planning to live long enough to make it back. He let the car slow down. Staring at his hands on the steering wheel. “Can you…can you carry me to that field over there? It’s a nice day.”

“Lucille…please.”

“I’m not asking Negan, if you won’t carry me, I’ll walk on my own.” She was calm, her voice, steady. Negan on the other hand felt overwhelmed, unsure of what he was supposed to say to her. So instead, he walked over to her side of the car, she swung her arms around him, he picked her up as delicately as he could. Her blood coated the front of his shirt. She could feel him trembling as he walked. A feeling of lightheadedness filled her.

“Will you stay with me.” He nodded to her. He sat down on the grass, allowing her to make herself comfortable on him. He held her in his arms, just staring. Tears welled up in his eyes and he let them fall freely onto her bloodied shirt. “Hey, hey, Look at me.” He did so reluctantly. “I’m sick, I’m sick and I’m gonna die…but you have to promise me something, you’ll live, alright? You have to promise me you’ll live for the both us.” She held out a pinky finger to him, to which he accepted with his own, holding onto it as hard as he could, as if that might somehow keep her from leaving him. She watched him with loving eyes.

“Aren’t you in pain?”

“Not anymore, I’m okay, I’m really, really okay.” They stared at one another for a couple moments longer before she gave into her tiredness and slid her eyes shut. Her hand fell limp in his own, falling to the side of her.

Her breath slowed to a halt and before her heart had the chance to give up too, he leaned down, pressing a hard kiss against her forehead. He stayed that way, until he knew she had gone. Until he was sure she was no longer his Luci anymore. And then he pulled out the pistol hanging out of her pocket.

He made sure the safety was off and pressed it against her temple.

Could he?

He loved her. Could he do this? Would it not be better to let her turn, let her live on in some sick kind of way. He had too, he knew he did. It’s what she’d want.

“I love you.”

He closed his eyes, pressed his lips to her forehead again, softer this time and he pulled the trigger.

After, he carried her body back to the truck, laying her gently in the back seat. On the floor of the truck bed sat a baseball bat. He gathered it in his hands and the thought of vengeance crossed his mind. Near the field stood an abandoned farm with barbed wire fencing running along its edges. He made his way over to it, ripping a line of barbed wire off a wooden pole. He started from the bottom of the bat, working his way up. Each loop around provided him with a cut to his palms but he didn’t mind the pain. A numbness began to seep into him clearing his mind.

______________

He looked at the piece of handiwork in his hands as he cleaned the blood and guts off of it.

Never again would he let a woman into his heart.

Never again would he show remorse.

Never again would he love someone other than himself.

The dead are gone.

Fear the living.


End file.
